Dear ________________________,

Welcome and congratulations.

Thanks for coming to our show, ​PROCEDURES FOR SAYING NO​.

There’s information about who did what on another sheet of paper at the end of this packet. You can read it if you are interested. If you are not interested, that’s okay.

Before the play starts, here are one hundred procedures you can perform.

You can and should repeat as many of these procedures as possible. We hope that even if you don’t follow these procedures (they’re optional!), that you don’t talk loudly or in any other way impinge on your fellow patrons’ ability to follow the procedures. In other words, ​even if you aren’t working, you should still look busy!

PAUSE HERE BRIEFLY BEFORE YOU TURN THE PAGE.

READ THE FOLLOWING VERY SLOWLY. D​ON’T​ RUSH.

YOU CAN ALWAYS PUT DOWN THESE INSTRUCTIONS AND PICK THEM BACK UP. ​DON’T​ READ THROUGH EVERYTHING FIRST AND THEN DECIDE WHAT TO DO.

FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS AS YOU GO.

STOP AND START.

SAVOR IT.

THERE’S STILL TIME.

THERE’S STILL TIME.

\\\\\\\\\\

PAUSE HERE BRIEFLY BEFORE YOU TURN THE PAGE.

OKAY.

PROCEDURES YOU CAN DO R​IGHT NOW​:

1. Go to the bathroom. ​
   

2. Get yourself a coffee from the coffee station. (​See map​. You can buy a pod for $1, and you can use your own if you brought it).

3. Look busy. You could do some real work. (Did you bring a smartphone or laptop?)There’s fake work you can do at the back of this packet. B​E WARNED​: it’s not interesting. It’s just something to do if you want to look busy.
   

4. Listen.
   

5. Get bored.
   

6. Look around.
   

7. Try to remember everything that is happening right now.
   

8. One of the lights hanging from the ceiling occasionally turns off.
   

9. Do you see it?

10. It will switch off intermittently.

11. Wait for it.

12. The next time it switches off, try to commit​ THIS EXACT MOMENT ​to memory. What does it mean to remember ​THIS EXACT MOMENT​? What are the important details? Can you remember everything you see and hear and smell and feel in one instant?

13. Now wait.

14. Wait some more. Think about how a lot of jobs are boring and go ahead and get really bored. It’s okay. It’s okay if you get bored.

15. Wait.

16. Now do something else because you’re too bored. How can you entertain yourself? When is the play going to start anyway?

17. Here’s an idea: move your chair somewhere else.

18. Or how about: Listen ​closely t​ o the soundscape. Are there, in fact, very quiet words being spoken in the soundscape?

19. Maybe the soundscape is the world outside the office. Maybe the soundscape is a ​memory​ of another time (hint​: ​it is! it’s a r​ecording!​ ) Really, is there a voice saying something? Is it the same thing over and over, or is there a slight variation?

20. Listen very closely. Try to remember some key phrases.

21. The next time the light bulb switches off, think about someone that you love who isn’t here. When’s the last time you saw them? How long has it been?

22. Let your mind wander.

23. Let your mind float up above your chair.

24. Let your mind float out the door of our fake office, out the door of the theater, down the street.

25. Let your mind float downhill, down to the river.

26. Let your mind float onto the river.

27. Let your mind float under the bridges.

28. Let your mind float down the river, let this river join a larger river, let your mind float until it reaches the sea.

29. Let your mind float out into the sea.

30. Watch your mind dissolve into a fine mist.

31. Now it’s gone.

32. Taped to the bottom of your chair is a small piece of paper. Don’t look for it.

33. Wait.

34. Get slightly bored again.

35. Grow irritated.

36. Maybe now’s the time to check out the coffee station. Get a cup of coffee.

37. When the light bulb comes on again, you should try to remember THE EXACT INSTANT that you tried to commit to memory earlier (Procedure 12).

38. How much did you remember?

39. One thing you can do is go read the morning pledge.

40. There are copies of it hidden somewhere on the set, in a [drawer/tray/what makes sense?] ​marked with a red piece of duct tape.

41. It’s on one of the desks.

42. You can take a copy for yourself.

43. You can say it yourself, if you are so inclined.

44. If you are shy, you can say on the inside of your brain, without using your mouth.

45. You can return it to the stack when you are finished.

46. Okay, let’s get real bored now.

47. Start looking at the walls.

48. Look at the posters on the walls. Can you read them from where you are sitting?

49. Look at the water cooler. What is that on top of the water cooler?

50. Look up at the lights.

51. The next time the intermittent light goes out, try to commit ​THIS EXACT MOMENT ​to memory. How is it different from the last time you tried to do this (Procedure 12)?

52. For real, do you have to go to the bathroom? There’s no intermission. Let that sink in. ​This show does not have an intermission​. So think seriously about the bathroom even if you don’t really have to go.

53. Okay, you can reach under your chair for the piece of paper taped there.

54. Read the piece of paper.

55. Take the first number on the piece of paper and add it to the number of times that you ​think​ you’ve seen the intermittent light bulb switch off.

56. Find the procedure with that number and perform it extra hard.

57. Check the notifications on your smartphone or other connected device. Did you get any new notifications since the last time you looked at your phone? If you do not have a cell phone with you, or it is turned off, take a moment to reflect on an email that you ​may​ have received while you have been sitting here. Is it work-related? Is it personal? Is it something you would share with a friend? A partner? A parent? An employer?

58. Get bored again.

59. Regret something.

60. Try to imagine your body filling with white light. Start at your toes and let the feeling of light slowly move up your legs, your abdomen, your neck, your head, out of the top of your head, shooting up to the ceiling.

61. Tap your feet rhythmically, then break the rhythm, then go back to the rhythm. Repeat indefinitely.

62. Just take a quick minute to look at your fellow audience members.

63. Is anyone wearing blue?

64. How many people are wearing the color blue?

65. Do they know something that you don’t know?

66. If there is no one wearing the color blue, did you, in fact, come to the wrong performance​?

67. Coffee Time! (Is it?)

68. Does your workplace have a ghost? Does it have a name? If it doesn’t have a name, name it now.

69. Have you ever fallen in love in the workplace? Or had a momentary crush? Take a few moments to reminisce.

70. Look again at the piece of paper that you found under your seat.

71. There’s a secret there.

72. Did you figure it out?

73. It’s a very simple substitution code.

74. Each number just represents that letter of the alphabet, so A would be 1. You can figure out the rest.

75. Imagine that you just found this note at your desk, while you are trying to work.

76. Would you know who it was from? What would you do?

77. Hide the piece of paper in your pocket or, if you don’t have a pocket, wherever you can.

78. In your mind, count to ten.

79. Now count backwards from ten.

80. Look at everyone around you. Are they following these procedures? What number do you think they are on?

81. Try to look busy.

82. When is the play going to start?

83. Take a minute to reflect on the day you had before you got here. What are you bringing into the room with you? What would you rather leave behind?

84. Scoot around in your chair a little bit.

85. What is the most comfortable position in which to sit in this chair? Like, for example, if you were going to watch a play. Try to get into that position.

86. The next time the intermittent light bulb goes out, take a deep breath in and hold it for ten seconds. When you exhale, imagine that you are blowing out a strong wind like in those illustrations where a cloud is blowing a wind. Here’s a useful piece of clip art to jog your memory: [Fig 1. Cloud]

87. Daydream and/or free associate.

88. For the play, you’ll need to put your chair ​[behind the blue tape line on the floor]​. Go ahead and do that now.

89. Look around the set one more time and try to commit it to memory.

90. Keep yourself to yourself.

91. If you run out of procedures, start back at the beginning, or pick one at random.

92. Does the space feel different to you than when you first entered?

93. Listen to the text in the soundscape again.

94. Get ready.

95. Solve a simple arithmetic problem in your mind. Start doubling numbers and see how high you can get (1, 2, 4, 8, 16, etc.).

96. Get set.

97. Get bored, one more time.

98. Who do you wish you were with right now?

99. Quietly, to yourself, say the word, “no.”

100. Watch the play.